The Saga of the Shorn

I'm three!

2010-09-24T03:54:00.003-05:00

It's been just about 3 years since the shaving, and I've all but forgotten everything about it. In fact, I primarily utilize it as an attention-getting story. Lol. Looks like it was time for a refresher.

Enter Real Simple magazine's 3rd annual life lessons essay contest. I really couldn't come up with stories about other risks I've taken, so it seemed like head-shaving would be the one. I also didn't actually do any writing beforehand, although I started planning for it 7 weeks out. Fail again. I wonder how much I've really learned in the last 3 years. It seems like so close, and yet so far away.

So updates on the pate: It's just now finally reaching shoulder-blade length, and I HATE MY HAIR. I can't imagine or remember it ever looking nice long. I got really addicted to the cute cut I had in the last photo I posted, and I keep wishing I had the balls to cut it back to that length again. The thing is, now I'm sorta planning a wedding for waaaay off in the future (like, a year) and again, my mental idea of a bride includes long, romantic hair. I guess here comes the gamble: Will I even be able to simulate amazing romantic long hair? And to be honest, does that even reflect who I really am any more?

Or what if I cut it off, and cry because I'm an ugly bride?

Clearly I have some lessons to re-learn on giving up vanity. :P

P.S. Shaving my head permanently made me start breaking out a lot. I blame the fact that I touched my head/face all the time. Oh well, time for a diet and lifestyle change!

So much has happened in the last three years - total dip away from the hyperactive fervor I display for my faith at the time, ended relationship, ended another relationship, made brand-new friends, hit rock bottom, came back up for air by grace, and explored all sorts of jobs and non-jobs. I think one thing I wished for did indeed come true... "If I can shave my head, I can do ----- too."

Not to be super spiritual again - for I have mostly abandoned that method of public declaration - but the following comes to mind:

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

If hair is traditionally a symbol of human strength, per Samson, then I was much better off without it.

P.S. No idea if I'll actually complete the essay, but I think I might make a Hail Mary attempt and write it up, just for the sake of completing something I plan to do.

Hair update, long time due

2008-12-01T21:56:00.001-06:00

Happy anniversary!

2008-10-08T15:33:00.002-05:00

Well, I knew September 30th was supposed to be significant for something, but I guess it completely slipped my mind that it marked a full year since I shaved my head. I have a very short memory span, I guess. :P It seems like soooooo long ago already.

Funny anecdote from the weekend: One of the bridesmaids at Alex and Teresa's wedding is engaged to a guy I know from my early UT days. I mentioned the connection to her and she said my name sounded familiar and wondered what my last name was. Since her fiance, Melvin, was the one who first put the head-shaving notion into my head, I said, "Kat Fan... I'm the one who shaved my head?" Then she said, "Ooohh, yeah!!" and proceeded to look abashed. Upon coaxing, she revealed that he'd told her about a girl who'd said she'd shave her head if he did it... his comment was, "She shouldn't've done it." I was very entertained. No worries - I'm not offended or upset... I've gotten plenty of comments like that this past year.

It's been a fantastic year for me. I'm so, so glad I did it despite everyone's admonishments otherwise. Most significant on my "pro" list was meeting/getting to know Hena and Timbo. Both of them are now really close friends I can't imagine living without... they've both mentioned that while they "thought I was cool" from a distance or whatever, they prob wouldn't've talked to me without the shaved head... so there you go. I don't regret the shaving at all, but even if I had wept bitterly for my hair every night, I'd have done it again in a heartbeat if that's what it took to make either of these friendships happen. (I can see Timbo doing his little hand gestures... darn)

Along those lines, I really liked how many people would talk to me just because I looked "different." Maybe it's weird pride, but I liked not being "just another Asian girl" with the generic long straight hair. (Mine isn't straight anyway ;p) I've always been different (homeschool, etc. etc.) and I am starting to appreciate it more, and I like looking it. I donno why.

While researching "worthy causes" for which to solicit donations (which I never did, come to to think of it), I came across some literature on human trafficking, and now my vague "interest in human rights" has some direction to it.

I also learned that it's okay to do what I want to do. I'm a big girl now and can make decisions for myself. Obviously, this can be taken too far, but I'd like to think that I have reasonable common sense. :P No, but without going into details, this was a huge breakthrough for me and boosted my confidence in a lot of obscure ways. ;p I really needed this, and I think I have become a much stronger person for it. I made a reasoned decision and followed through on my "convictions" (I hesitate to use that word... it sounds so Christian-y and this wasn't a religious decision at all) despite a lot of protests to the contrary. I learned to not listen to people whose opinions should not matter so much to me (i.e. casual acquaintances, boys who tell me I look much better with longer hair), I learned to respectfully disagree with people who do matter to me, I learned to live with the consequences of what I chose to do, and I learned to love myself regardless of how I look. Haha.

Also, I really feel like I behaved completely differently... it's sort of hard to explain, but hair makes a big difference in how you view yourself (lol, brilliant, eh?). I felt like I was a completely different person in a lot of ways, because I've always had long hair - I'd catch glimpses of myself in mirrors and marvel that that was me. I felt more free to explore a lot of options I'd never considered before. I learned to ask, "Why?" or "Why not?" to things I'd never considered before (God included). I've never found that questioning process to harm me yet (well, the consequences could but I've thus far found the reasoning to be a great experience).

I liked waking up and looking different every morning. The worst time for me was probably when it was almost long enough to look cool, but not. These last few months have surprisingly been the hardest on me. My hair texture is so crunchy (Michael calls it "character") that it will really hold whatever shape it's given... so I have mad bed head. It's cool, but often hard to tame for interviews and the like.

I've discovered that I really love short hair.

I got a haircut yesterday and probably have my favorite style yet from this past year. I found a new stylist I love. My bangs are growing the way I want them to (a small, unexpected bonus from the shaving!). I like my side pieces. I LOVE the back... I need a pic of that.

Hi, it's me. I'm Kat. A short-haired Kat. ;p

More hair snippings

2008-05-15T15:26:00.002-05:00

I got tired of the mullet bud that started sneaking back in, so I hacked it up some.

Haircut

2008-04-14T11:17:00.002-05:00

Yep, I got one! :)

Mullet, before and after!

2008-04-07T17:42:00.002-05:00

While driving to the Performing Arts Center the other day, I decided to do what all the other kids are doing these days (the ones 10 years younger than I am ;p). Except instead of having a tiny slim point-and-shoot, I had a Canon 30D and a 24-70 L lens. Yep, I'm not only soooo safe on the road, but I am also a huge attention whore. But I am at least going to be an honest one and not pretend Photoshop is the new acne medication. Plus, how could I not show you pictures of me in teal? 'Cuz I love teal.

I learned this trick of driving with my knee from Oliver. I think it's generally something tall people/people with long legs do, but I have figured out a way to do it (by shoving my seat way back). ;P 'Cuz it's super convenient.

Hey, my nose is much pointier than it looks from... any other angle... haha!

I seem to see Helen making this face a lot. Scope out the lovely laundry behind me.

Again, a Helen face.

A me face

Disgusted face

The smirk I use to scare people with. Mostly used it on Oliver, because he did a lot of things that would annoy me. But instead of freaking out (which he enjoyed), I started smirking at the stuff he did so he would frown and stop doing it. ^^

Breaking out of late... no sleep.

Yesterday was a day for teal, I guess.

I think my profile looks like my dad's. Check out the 'tail. What should I do with it? Hack it off?

And here I am walking through the parking lot toward Escapade... lalala, photos of that to come.

And then today I got a haircut on my way back up north from my clinic physical (for study abroad). The mullet was getting a bit much for me.

My hair stylist was super snarky to me just now and made some rude comments about people who do walk-ins, etc. and how she can't possibly know what I wanted since she just met me. But I sucked it up until I was calmer (instead of snapping about how it was her job to try to understand what I wanted) and talked nicely, and let her ignore me for a few minutes. Then when I was in a better frame of mind, I asked her about her tattoos (which made her a lot nicer to me, haha). Then I gave her a nice tip anyway. Sometimes people just have bad days, I guess. ;p She almost made mine.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself for not biting her head off. I'm capable of it/I also hate being passive aggressive when it comes to hurt - but I think I did the right thing.

Six months

2008-03-29T18:23:00.001-05:00

I regularly wear the hair at the nape of my neck in a little 'tail now, because otherwise I just have a pretty kickass mullet.

Post #60

2008-03-17T01:48:00.002-05:00

I'm never going to be famous, because I can't remember to update these things. I also don't like constraints. ;p There are almost always pics on Flickr, though.

Here I am at... Oh, I've given up counting days or weeks (I'll be a terrible pregnant woman) but I'm around 5.5 months (of hair growth, not baby growth) right now. I liked how my hair turned out this one day. I keep meaning to cut it but have no time nor inspiration photos, so it just keeps growing. It's long enough to tie in the back now - just a wisp... less than I've had since babyhood - but it's tied!!

Today my mom flew into Austin... I'd forgotten about my hair, so when she stroked it I thought she was just messing with it. I think she was fine with it. ;) Then she went off on a tangent about how the women in my family have good thick heads of hair. Nice.

Leap Hair!

2008-02-29T10:35:00.001-06:00

Bwahahahaha!

Day 150

Day 152

Yesterday I went in to get my replacement ID... Yerp, gonna have short hair on this next pic.

A month from the last one.

2008-02-23T22:59:00.002-06:00

Just a week short of 4 months

2008-01-25T01:14:00.000-06:00

Which, incidentally, will be my BIRTHDAY.

January

2008-01-22T01:27:00.001-06:00

3.5 months!

Merry Christmas!!

2007-12-26T01:04:00.000-06:00

Told my mummy about my head (or more like, posted a pic on Xanga and waited for repercussions to trickle down)...

Thank you, Wongs, for loving/hosting me!! <3

Pics from Owiber

Gratuitous shot of the boy who set up the studio lights, opening his "present" from me:

Sorta drained

2007-12-20T02:19:00.000-06:00

I think my general state of exhaustion has resulted in a reluctance to maintain this blog. Also, my hair shows decently littler change now; I think I've done OK documenting it for the first two months or so... hopefully I can keep it updated weekly or something. I still take Webcam shots when I remember to.

I miss my hair more now that I've got some formal/interview events to go to. It really does look nicer to just... look like a girl... I miss it, haha. Yesterday I was genuinely a bit sad about how I look in a dress shirt and dress pants. I look dykish. ;) Oh well. It's OK - it is coming back in. Lots of good analogies to be had there, hah... I miss feeling girly and pretty and head-turning. There! The truth is out!

Everyone deserves a hiatus

2007-11-24T01:18:00.000-06:00

Sorry, I pretended I was on vacation. Oh, wait, I am!

Anyway, I've got some pics:

I have more, somewhere on Flickr; will dig them out later. Hope everyone had a great holiday. Thankful for something?

I'll tell you this: I camped out for Black Friday and was ever so thankful for ever having had hair ... it really keeps you warm.

And then I thought it might be fun to take pictures in all the places my laptop goes

2007-11-11T14:47:00.001-06:00

So it not only becomes the Saga of the Shorn, but the Wandering Walks of the Wigless... or something equally retarded. Yeah! Here I am in the PCL library (yes, redundant) on the UT campus...

This is post-brilliant-workout. Which here is copied from my other blog...

Of Workouts

Some people, as I mentioned before, have the ability to power through 16-mile runs "for fun." Peggy, you know I'm glaring at you. I admire them a lot, but I would never "go running with them to hang out." For one thing, you'd have to scrape me off the ground with a spatula at the end of it. For another thing, there would be no hanging out involved. There would be me breathing like a laboring woman. Then there would be Peggy, about 50 feet ahead, dancing lightly in circles running backwards to encourage me. Then there would be me attempting to throw things. And then collapsing in aforementioned meltdown.

So I have some feeble bragging to make. I hauled myself out of bed (yes, at 12 noon :D), walked down to Gregory, did some weights and machines and then did 30 minutes on the elliptical. I managed to do just over 3 miles on some "hill workout" (which involves progressively tougher levels, I guess - for some reason I picked 5 although I'm sure 1 would have worked fine). I found that I prefer ellipticals to actual running... because although I'm sure the exercise it offers is inferior, the elliptical actually allows me to stare blankly at a TV screen while I "run."

I brought my Nano along for the fun of it. It was a great distraction; one can only people-watch (more precisely, stare at the fat butt of the old man in front) for so long. I used the beats of my music to dictate how fast or how slowly I ran. Tiny tip: Do not try to keep up with the "Beast and the Harlot" from Guitar Hero II at "the peak of Kilimanjaro workout" unless you want to end up with tingling feet tips. My feet were numb by the end of that song. It was so much longer than I expected, and it really took it out of me. On the other hand, it made me do 3/4 of a mile in 4 minutes. Hah. (I slacked off a few times in disbelief at the song's transitions into yet more length and complexity)

It was a very cathartic experience. But I still don't like people looking at me when I work out. Gyms are such embarrassing places.

Now since I'm being so virtuous, I will go write an article or something. Either on hair or on cleaning house. Or I will write a paper.

Faces

2007-11-11T03:46:00.001-06:00

I love making faces.

Interesting. The less I look like a "freak," the more I care how I look. Interesting. As Wilson would say.

Baggy eyes and all. In the interest of honesty.

2007-11-10T03:08:00.000-06:00

As far as I know, weight loss for undereye areas is not a possibility.

And then today was just an awful day.

2007-11-09T02:31:00.001-06:00

Everything that could go wrong went wrong. And a few things that shouldn't've decided to do so as well!

I would like to marry a car mechanic someday. He would be useful.

I tried something new today.

2007-11-08T01:43:00.000-06:00

I apparently have a thing for androgynous dressing.

Just kidding, but I took that cap I was GOING to give Timmy and decided to try it on. Well, I liked. So I went to work in a navy long-sleeve split-neck shirt with a green tank under it. The hat matched. :D

Also, because Christina is here the kitchen is cleaned...

Cocky!

OK, are you tired of me yet?

A bonus FOBulous shot.

Day 36?

2007-11-06T02:08:00.000-06:00

Bumblebee makes me cool

2007-11-05T02:52:00.000-06:00

This morning I had a slight scare: Tiffany had posted something vague that made me wonder if Karen was engaged (congrats, you guys!) so we were catching up when she started talking about my hair. As far as I know nobody in Taiwan knows about my hair just yet, so I was a bit worried... but it seems everything is [still] smooth sailing.

I feel bad I don't write much. I'm an awful blogger these days. At least the pics help.

Dude, I really want to dye my hair some funky colors. Yaar, as Hena would say.

I went to Auntie Susan's for a dinner party tonight and it was a smashing success. All props and thanks for a delicious meal and a lot of fun... thank you! :)

A week's worth.

2007-11-04T01:50:00.000-05:00

Halloween, pt. 2

2007-11-01T04:21:00.000-05:00

I went downtown to shoot the Halloween insanity for J325; halfway through I accidentally exposed all my film. Uber bummer. Anyway, I'm tired of webcam shots so here you are. :D

Interesting comment: I suddenly appeal very much to black guys. Short hair or something. They love it. They talk to me all the time now. I really don't mean to racially profile or anything. Just three or four in one week is enough to make me take note. They never talk to me other times!

Halloweeny

2007-10-31T19:37:00.000-05:00

Yarr, it is late

2007-10-30T02:52:00.000-05:00

So this past week I made a new friend - Hena. The one who sent me the hair article. We have subsequently and very rapidly made great progress in the "getting to know you" game. Random news for my week. I also slept a lot and bummed a lot, probably all very bad since this is crunch week.

I'm slowly getting my get-go back. I think it is correlated to my sleeping habits. The more sleep I get, the happier I am.

The hair is no longer "freshly shaved." It's not even "stubble" any more. Today at the Statesman I made the realization that I don't love it, don't hate it, but it's actually starting to look like short hair now. That's pretty awesome. I know I've said it before, but it's sort of like my warped inverted pregnancy experience with things getting easier after the drastic beginning. Haha. Not bad. I'm incoherent from sleepiness. I wonder what I will write for Brio.

This weekend I did a make-up bridal shoot for a couple whose wedding I shot in September. We ran out of time during their wedding-on-a-boat so I had to schedule them another one (it wasn't my fault on the wedding, btw). To make them relax and laugh I told them about how I had dreamed I was getting married and had no hair to pin it to. They laughed so hard I got awesome smiley pics. Glad to amuse, any time.

Here are old shots and some from today: 4 weeks yesterday. Gid commented in church, "Your hair grows back quick!" Rachel very kindly compared me to Gabby, but she's way prettier. I really think I should start caring more about my looks. Beyond just these little mental stirrings, I mean. It's getting cold. The only thing that makes me want my hair back is so I can look cute in winter clothes. That seems really superficial, yes?

Lately I've been getting a lot of little mental "eurekas" that are less-than-100%. I'm finding out a lot of small things about myself that are not so great.

A happy zit for you!

I got tired of webcam pics.

2007-10-29T10:38:00.000-05:00

I have the last couple days' worth, but it's boring.

Instead, courtesy of Sam...

Are we behind?

2007-10-26T14:37:00.000-05:00

Maybe in posting, but I've got my pics...

So tired.

I went to a scholarship luncheon just now. A taddy bit awkward, just me and the donor and one of the board members. Her daughter had died in 1992 and she has been offering a scholarship ever since for Christian students studying journalism at UT. I missed the lunch the first time around. ;p Anyway, she kinda stared at my head a bit. Haha. I will refine this thought and post later. I'm tired of coughing.

My bad for Wednesday

2007-10-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

Midterms pwnt me. In that time that I did not give you a photo, my hair grew three inches and my face turned green.

But unfortunately it's all back to normal today.

That's what I get for missing a day. Oh, and I'm sickish.

At the Fair I saw a dude who had cropped hair - he had shaved some pretty fancy letters and designs into it. I wish I were awesome.

Knuckle-length

2007-10-23T00:23:00.000-05:00

I'm up late working on a paper for a midterm. AAS kicks my sorry butt. I had a profound revelation while at work earlier, but I came home early because I was sick and because I had this paper to write. Ugh. So here's a bored/tired/so sick of school pic.

P.S. I could use some help:

1) Ideas for a kickass Halloween costume, plz.
2) Ideas for a dressy scholarship luncheon, plz.
3) Ideas for a semi-formal scholarship lunch, plz.

Oh yeah, here's the thought. Having no hair makes me a lot more aware of my face and head shape. There's no hiding it.

It's starting to come in uneven

2007-10-21T21:11:00.000-05:00

And shopping for clothes is weird because you don't know how you'll look in an outfit after you have your hair back!

But I look awesome in hats. ^^ (Clarification: I like to pretend I do)

State Fair!

2007-10-21T07:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to the State Fair in Dallas with Oliver. It's really interesting how reactions change once I'm outside Austin. This Hispanic couple came up behind me - the girl didn't speak any English, I guess, so she just tapped my head gently, then nodded very enthusiastially to express how she felt. It was cute. This little boy with a carrot-colored crew cut kept staring at me behind his mom's back, so I glared right back. That was funny.

The fair was not as fun as I remembered, but good company made it enjoyable. Thank you a lot, Oliver. =]

"The Little Things..."

2007-10-20T03:54:00.001-05:00

I got an email from a classmate today. She's a grad student from Pakistan. Thanks, Hena! I really liked it. =) So nice of you to think of me.

Not to obsess too much about your head or anything, but yesterday's interaction reminded me of this article I'm sending you. The guy who wrote it is the grandson of one of the most prominent poets in Pakistan and the subcontinent within the last 50 years or so. He also teaches psychology at the school I received my undergrad degree from. He's one of the funniest, quirkiest and most learned people I've ever met...and he's only 38 or so. His parents are both actors in Pakistan, as is his sister. In his free time, he enjoys reading, his drinks and occasionally writes for one of Pakistan's best English language papers, from which I'm forwarding you this article. He's also a good friend of mine.

Obscure references:

'Class': (school) grade

Haj: Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca (requires men to shave their heads. It is believed in Islam that this pilgrimage purges one of all one's prior sins. Of course, there are other factors involved too.)

Shoaib Hashmi : Yasser's dad

Arshad Mahmood: A local vocalist and composer and a close family friend of Yasser's parents

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Intense pleasures of life
By Yasser Hashmi

At eight, in class three, I first became aware of one of the smaller, but intense and undeniable pleasures of life: Rubbing my hand on the stubble of a freshly shaved head.

The occasion was the return of one of my class fellows from Haj. It was, I suspect, a mixed blessing for him. He was too young to have enjoyed the spiritual dimension of Haj, nor did he have any chance to wash away youthful excesses.

Instead, the entire class took turns sitting behind him in class and every time the teacher turned to write something on the blackboard, little grubby hands would wander onto his scalp followed by gasps of delight and satisfaction.

I was reminded of this scene because one of Pakistan's foremost composers Arshad Mehmood, has just returned from Haj, and I returned home recently to find him on his knees in front of Shoaib Hashmi who was rubbing his scalp and issuing the same gasps of delight. This proves, as I have always suspected, that it is not possible to outgrow Lahore.

I further appreciated this scene because as one grows older a lot of one's pleasures become borrowed or derived. One does or enjoys things because one has heard that they are good or enjoyable or suitable for one's age or position, to the point where one loses track of fun.

Call me a skeptic, but I insist that no more of 20 per cent of people who play golf can actually enjoy it. One of the reasons that Marketing has a bad reputation is that it is thought that it consists merely of fooling people of what they should be doing without any concern for their real pleasures. In other words, it consists of 'bullshit'.

I recently had the pleasure of reading a philosophical essay on this very topic, which as I discovered, also goes by the names of humbug, balderdash and hokum or tommyrot.

The article stated that both the truth teller and the liar are similar in that they have some knowledge of truth. The bullshit artist, on the other hand, uses a different standard i.e., whether something is or isn't convincing. As this standard becomes more widespread, fewer and fewer things retain any meaning and society 'melts into thin air'.

Since I am convinced that rubbing a shaved head is a universal pleasure and test of the genuine, let me propose a new standard of consumer judgment: The scalp test. The next time someone tells you Coke is better than Pepsi, or that one washing soap is better than the other.

Immediately rub you hand on your own head, and also the head of a recently returned Haji. Note the difference in sensations. If the two articles you are comparing cause no such change in pleasure, they have failed the bullshit test.

I am confident that as long as Lahoris have a freshly shaved scalp handy, out city will never turn into a huge pile of humbug. However, for this plan to succeed, we will have to be especially wary of those who have had hair transplants.

Incidentally, confusing bullshit and marketing is a mistake because very few people are insensitive enough to buy what they are indifferent to for any length of time. I, for example, own only one pair of 'close fitting' jeans.

Good marketing is tempting people into trying a new genuine pleasure. And the danger of marketing is that people become entirely dependent on pleasures that are purchased. Homo sapiens becomes homo consumerati.

To return to my class fellow in school. After enduring several hours of grubby head fondling, and after he noticed that people were coming back for second helpings, he complained to the teacher.

At which point his scalp was immediately declared off limits and the most recent fondlers got smacked with a foot ruler. To ensure compliance with the fondling ban, the teacher also moved the most polite and well behaved citizens of the class to the chairs behind the young Haji. This included me. Unfortunately, as I said at the beginning, at the age of eight, in class three I first became aware of one of the smaller, but intense and undeniable pleasures of life.

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Hope you enjoyed it.

We're leaving our teens behind

2007-10-20T03:43:00.000-05:00

a.k.a. "Oliver has a boyfriend!"

Attempt to show off a nice new T-shirt with 80s radness on it... which was followed by a boobie shot I won't share...

I can cross just one eye!

Today's newsworthy news is this:
The top song when Oliver was born was "Total Eclipse of the Heart," which is awesome rad
My top song, however, was "Like A Virgin" by Madonna. Ew.

Day... 18?

2007-10-19T00:32:00.000-05:00

I miss you, baby

2007-10-18T00:19:00.001-05:00

Today I went to Express with Sam to take advantage of a sale they were having. There was actually some semi-good stuff, but I went planning to get more dress shirts for job-hunting. Well, in the changing room I found some stuff that looked good on me - from the neck down. A bit higher up, it kinda looked like a joke. Hahaha. I had a small pang then. *shrug* I'm over it. ;)

My mom called. "Do you still have hair?" Me: [split second pause too long] "Um, yes, of course." Her: "A lot?" Me: "Yes..." Technically... this is true. Lol.

I have been taking flaxseed oil sporadically for hair growth. Well, it works. Very well. Not just on my head but on my eyebrows and legs, too! So today I tried this random Sally Hansen waxing kit. OH MY GOODNESS, it's a mess. Hahaha. But I like ripping hair off my eyebrows - so much faster than plucking. I'm probably a masochist. B-)

Sweet 16

2007-10-17T01:22:00.000-05:00

LOL GET IT? NOT ONLY IS IT 16 DAYS IT IS ALSO OCTOBER 16! And Oliver is 16! J/k, but it is his birthday.

Wow, I am so lame late at night.

It's growing quite rapidly, thanks to PR tips on flaxseed oil and such, which I have of course already forgotten to take multiple times.

15 days!

2007-10-16T01:11:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamed I decided to get married. It wasn't until I was standing in the foyer waiting to walk down the aisle that I realized I had nothing to pin my veil to. I bawled. I then woke up and laughed, thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't been so silly as to get married on a whim. (I don't care about the man, it would so seem - never even took a peek at his face in my dream)

It's only been 15 days. Quite apparently, if I were in that movie "30 Days of Night" or whatever (which I haven't seen), I would not be able to survive because that's a really long time for me.

I made an "online friend" thanks to katy~* - she shaved her head for her friend who was undergoing chemo, I b'lieve, and she looks good with it! That gives me hope. Haha. It's OK; I'm OK with looking chewed. XD

Remember how I said I was making a conscious effort to look girlier? I think I gave up on it. I ran around all day in a boys' white muscle T and jeans. I don't think I'm helping myself out much here. Oh well...

Weekend catch-up

2007-10-15T02:17:00.001-05:00

Sorry for no picture. Olivia and Garrick were in town this weekend, yay!

A cheat - you can't see if I have anything on my head. Maybe that dark is ALL my hair. Sorry if I look wacked. It was taken at 5 a.m.

Yes, I drink like mad. Root beer. Yes, I broke my resolution. ;)

Hehehehehe.

My hair actually bothers me a tiny bit this week. Or maybe the lack of it. I've completely forgotten about the cut and I guess whenever I do remember, there's a tiny, tiny pang there. Meh, it'll be back soon enough.

We went to the Lacoste store in the Domain where I tried on this hat and liked how it looked. But look at that price tag. Why? I can see why some people want to learn to knit... heck, I wanna.

Since we're talking about shopping, Olivia and I both liked this jacket. $225, though, will put me halfway toward a very nice lens. Sigh.

Oh, I was supposed to ONLY talk about hair here? Gee, sorry. ;)

Then in that case... hair is now long enough to pinch. ;)

Mwahahahaha

2007-10-13T05:45:00.001-05:00

11

2007-10-12T03:05:00.000-05:00

Blogged out.

Here, have a picture I shot. UGL. Fluorescent lighting. Library chair. I like how Asian-studio it looks. Here's how I did it.

Meeeeeeee for the day

Sorry

2007-10-11T03:45:00.001-05:00

Day 10

It's a little hard to keep up with lengthy blogging solely on the topic of hair on a daily basis. I keep another blog (a bit obsessively ;p) and I guess that one's a much more rounded view of my life in general - this is the Horcrux in which I have chosen to deposit my hairless soul, and apparently that part of me is quite tiny. Or something.

Anyway, as you can see, the hair is growing back quite fast despite my promptly having forgotten to take vitamins/etc. for it like three days after the deed was done. Hah.

Interesting thought - you know how people always say they recognize others - killers, actors, characters in movies, whatever (like that scene in War) - don't they very technically mean they recognize the skin, bone and hair around the actual blobs? I dunno, it sounds gruesome and stupid to think of, no doubt. But it's true. It's also like saying "I can recognize her face from a distance." Have you ever stopped to think of how much of that face (at least on girls) is framed by hair? Would you REALLY recognize them from a distance without hair? In a sea of hairless heads?

Anyway, it's really late and I've been "sick" for a week and a half now (terrible allergies - to mold, maybe? They're KILLING ME) so maybe I shouldn't say this, but I feel like it and it's hair-related.

Yesterday I "saw" my ex for a bit - we had the same journalism interns' meeting. We haven't really crossed paths in over a year and the few times we have have been very intense and pretty depressing. Anyway, he was one of those dudes who is really into long hair and liked it a lot on me - down, at that. He hadn't seen me even with the short bob, I don't think, and didn't really know about me shaving my head. (He'd been against the idea when we were dating :P) He pretty obviously didn't notice me when he was standing in the hallway because he came up right next to where I was sitting on the floor, stood there and started talking to classmates. I don't think he realized it was me until I stood up a while later to move into the classroom (he was behind me, so we never really saw each other's faces - just I, for a split second, saw him when he was walking down the hall and I just dropped my head and never looked up. I don't know why). He still might not have noticed if the intern supervisor didn't speak to me and comment on how I'd cut my hair. Heh, well, after that, he went hard left and I went hard right and when the meeting was over we both dashed out the door in opposite directions.

It's just interesting that someone who presumably should know almost everything about me - my height, my size, my profile, my silhouette, my voice - didn't recognize me at all. Gee, I know I had big hair but do I really look that different?

Stopping to think about it... yeah... I do.

*shrug*

I've toyed with the idea that maybe this haircut represents something like purging him out of my system, but the conclusion is that that's stupid. Haha. I feel much freer from things after, I dunno... not this sort of thing. Haha. Maybe freer from shampoo. Not that I feel like I currently have a ton of baggage or whatever. Just... oh, I won't try to make sense. It's so late.

Day 9

2007-10-10T01:49:00.000-05:00

So I have mentally compared this experience to childbirth a few times (although sort of in reverse) - I was all jittery the day I was going to get it shaved, but then realized that it's in no way as life-changing as having a kid or even getting pregnant. Assured, I was then able to carry on my merry way. Now my day-by-day updates are sort of like a pregnancy follow-up thing.

Today's announcement: um, hair clumps into chunks now?

You know you're tired when...

2007-10-09T04:35:00.001-05:00

...You make a blog post to completely the wrong blog and don't realize it until you notice the layout looks different. Which, of course, is NOT something I just did. PSH!

So since this experiment is not about me coming out or anything, I have noticed the need to make a conscious effort to be slightly more feminine. I tend to be very much of a jeans-and-T-shirt girl, and while I wouldn't exactly call myself a tomboy any more I don't have a lot of pinky-pink clothing any more. I never before thought my wardrobe was too androgynous, but hey... no hair means I must supplement my femininity in other ways, eh? I guess.

...Eh, I'm too lazy. ;) Jeans and T-shirts are so easy.

In other news, my bald head is in the news, ironically in a piece of wild art for the Texan on the Burma issue from that rally I went to (with only 6 people). But likewise, being lazy, I am far too sluggish at 5 a.m. to scan it for you or anything. Maybe later.

My steady stream of photos proves that only the insane shave their heads.

I did take a bunch of pictures this weekend, if you're bored and want to see... But they're not OF me.

yawn

2007-10-08T03:17:00.001-05:00

I'm so sleepy. I've been coughing all day.

Day 7, aka One Week, in which my hair has doubled its length. Cool beans.

Me and my skin

2007-10-06T03:26:00.000-05:00

Hm, me getting better with Photoshop last year meant that it started becoming my makeup of choice. They say that you can present yourself however you choose over the Internet because you can hide whatever flaws you have and present yourself in the best possible light. It's true when it comes to my face. I profess to be decently self-confident, yet I like getting rid of my awful dark eye circles, zits and other such wonderful flaws.

Not having hair has kinda changed that. I gave up on shampoo, harsh facial cleansers, and have been using water, baking soda, and the like. Works just great so far! (I should start up my olive oil regimen again since my skin's been really dry) I don't really mind how I look in the mornings any more. There's not much I can change. I really like that. It's kinda "Here I am, take or leave" and that's great. Very freeing.

It also leaves me a lot freer to make really ugly weird faces in pictures. I figure, "I'm bald. How much worse could I look?" I'm gonna be interested in seeing how this may or may not change when the hair comes back in. (I was wondering if the part in my hair would change because of the hair clipping... but probably not, because I've checked and my cowlick still makes my hair grow out in a slant)

I've gotten a ton of positive comments lately. People will interrupt their elevator conversations to tell me how fabulous/fantastic they think it is. (It's happened twice in the same elevator in one day, same older faculty-talking-to-younger-TA kinda deal) I think the attention whore in me likes that, but that's not the point of this experiment... and I try to remember that. But it's really kind of people to say such things, to go out of their way to break the usual polite silence barrier and try to affirm me.

Funny, huh, how an outward thing can draw so much attention? Even when people aren't commenting, I'm taking note of all their responses. It makes me wonder how many times a day I subconsciously gauge other people's reactions to me and how much I depend on their approval or disapproval for my actions.

My TA, the one who hates me, has pointedly made no comment about my radically different looks. It amuses me a little. I think he would like to forget that I exist. :)

My stubble has already doubled in length, I think. I had Andrew clip it to 3mm, which is just over 1/10 of an inch. It's definitely longer than that by now. Let's do some math... If hair grows around 3/4-1 inch per month (let's make it easy and say 1 inch), then it grows ~ 1/4 inch every week or so, which averages out to around ~6.4 mm per week, which is what, let's average again... 1mm/day? It's so awesome how I can actually feel it. (I pinch it all the time)

...Blogspot gets a bonus thumbs up from me for saving these drafts automatically. My MacBook has been randomly dying and I can't figure out why. Anyways... I uploaded pics of the shaving process, so here comes a picture-heavy post.

First I hacked my hair shorter with scissors; apparently I have a ton of hair, so it took a lot of snips before you could even really tell anything had happened.

I had a mullet there for a while.

My friend Peggy was horrified and tried to make me stop. "It's not too late still, Katherine!"

I made my friends take a picture of her face because it cracked me up so much.

The first clips! Thank you, Andrew, for buzzing my hair for me. :)

(Here is Andrew)

More trimming

First glimpse

Not bad

This is the ugly stage

Or would it be this?

Man, did those little hair bits itch!

I didn't know this, but you don't just clip through and have done with it. It takes several goes over to make sure you get everything. Check out that little tuft of long.

Ew, I look chewed

That's better

I remind me of a Pharaoh's son from The Ten Commandments

Friend Luke

Thank you, Shawn, for letting me use your place. Sorry I made a mess or whatever. :(

Thank you, Sam, for solidarity support. And thank you, Oliver, for pictures!

Day 6!

Now, a serious post

2007-10-05T01:42:00.001-05:00

So I've gotten a ton of joking references to monks, saffron, robes, Halloween, etc. This naturally leads me to images currently in the news of similarly shaved Asian heads marching for justice in Myanmar. The more I read about it the more upset I am about the situation over there. I don't really know what to do about it, obviously, but...

The point of my *cough* experiment was to heighten my sensitivities, I think... toward how I perceive others, how they perceive me and to reevaluate the lens through which I view the world. It's interesting how a little bit of air on my scalp can make me so much more aware of what's going on.

The Myanmar government has decided to close off the country by "turning off the Internet," apparently.

I think the idea is that this government understands the human nature. Right now people care because they have been bombarded with images of what's happening there right now. But if the government can effectively plug the source of the "leakage" of the truth happening in the streets right now, then the rest of the world will quickly forget. We are a culture acutely attuned to immediate sensory gratification. Turn off the TV, and we forget almost immediately.

That's what they want. And that's what's probably going to happen unless we do something about it.

I've never been one of those activist kids going around door-to-door collecting pennies for trees or anything like that, but this one really touches my heart (and not just 'cuz of all the saffron jokes I've heard lately).

I've been keeping up with this story (admittedly at first for class), but since the government there "decided to shut down the Internet" to further isolate itself from public awareness, I can only imagine the despair engulfing the country right now.

What's the protest about? Myanmar recently hiked up the prices for oil and oil-related items and services in the country (formerly Burma). In a country where the annual per capita income is about $225, the daily transportation fare now costs a worker about 60% of his or her salary. In public outcry at this outrage, the monks of devoutly Buddhist Myanmar began marching through the streets last week, defying the government to ignore their protest.

Instead of paying attention, the government is shutting them up - not with hoses, like during the Civil Rights movement - but with guns.

It breaks my heart to think of so many men and women marching for the rights of their people, dying for what they stand for, serving the country in one of capacities as the "keeper of the souls" of this primarily Buddhist country. Well, let me retract that. It doesn't entirely break my heart - I think it's a beautiful ultimate sacrifice - but the goal is to show the government through their actions that what they are doing is hurting the people of Myanmar. And now the government is trying to cover up that embarrassment, not by rectifying their actions, but by shutting off outlets to the outside world and instead killing them undercover. That's horrible.

Why is the government so afraid of the Buddhist monks? Here's what the New York Times says about their actions:

AS they marched through the streets of Myanmar’s cities last week leading the biggest antigovernment protests in two decades, some barefoot monks held their begging bowls before them. But instead of asking for their daily donations of food, they held the bowls upside down, the black lacquer surfaces reflecting the light.

It was a shocking image in the devoutly Buddhist nation. The monks were refusing to receive alms from the military rulers and their families — effectively excommunicating them from the religion that is at the core of Burmese culture.

That gesture is a key to understanding the power of the rebellion that shook Myanmar last week.

The country — the former Burma — has roughly as many monks as soldiers. The military rules by force, but the monks retain ultimate moral authority. The lowliest soldier depends on them for spiritual approval, and even the highest generals have felt a need to honor the clerical establishment. They claim to rule in its name.

Begging is a ritual that expresses a profound bond between the ordinary Buddhist and the monk. “The people are feeding the monks and the monks are helping the people make merit,” said Josef Silverstein, an expert on Myanmar at Rutgers University. “When you refuse to accept, you have broken the bond that has tied them for centuries together.”

Here's an interesting comparison from that article. The military and the monkhood are technically facing off. Both are about 400,000 strong. They share a religion, these young men from the poorer classes of Burma - "brothers," the NY Times says they could well be. The dictatorship heading the military has been cut off from its spiritual and its popular base, and now it can only rely on force to maintain its power.

I posted another NY Times link last week with a quote from a young nun around my age that struck a chord with me. She said, "Perhaps we should go home. They're just going to kill us here." It saddened me deeply because if I were there I would want to comfort her, but there are no words for me to say that will contradict her in any way. Quite likely she will die, be tortured, beaten, starved in the effort of the government to silence her mute protest. She isn't wrong. She's just standing up for the rights of others.

A Japanese journalist was killed during these protests, gunned down by the military in cold blood from close range. He died with his camera in his hands. I've got another year to go before I graduate, hopefully to cover events like this at some point in my life. Would I die with my camera/pen/paper in my hands, or would I be running for cover? I can't answer that. I think I'd run.

I'm an inherently selfish person, and somehow it's easier for me to ignore the plight of others when they're far away and I'm safe and sound at home. But I cannot ignore these people - my age, my race, my looks, even (with that new hair) - who seemingly have had their last rays of hope for outside rescue denied them. Are we going to leave them hanging? Are we going to watch the government shut down communication and shrug, walk off and go watch the newest episode of "Desperate Housewives?"

I guess that's the twisted beauty of citizen journalism - there are so many images, so many independent voices swelling together to cry out for justice for these people - that even those so firmly entrenched in their self-centeredness cannot avoid the reality of it all.

Final side note: As a Christian, I personally believe the only way to heaven is through salvation in Jesus Christ. I personally believe that good deeds, no matter how sacrificial, are not enough to get a person to heaven at death. And it wrings my heart out to think that these quiet young men and women are dying by the dozen right now as I type, doing their best to live and die for others... with no reward in sight.

I know this isn't relevant to some of you who read my blog, but to me this is the saddest note of it all.

======================

Apparently on Saturday there will be a worldwide rally/protest/march going on in major cities at 12 noon. I tried to find some information on something like that in Austin but (much to my surprise) there is none planned. Weird, since there are so many of us constantly advocating and protesting in this city. Oh, well.

For those of you who generously offered to donate to my *cough cough* project a while back, I think... this one... might be the one toward which I would like to dedicate my efforts. I'll see if I can scrounge up something at some point.

After a dozen pictures, here's the most normal one

2007-10-05T00:29:00.000-05:00

I lied. Here's the most ABnormal one.

I'm always serious, solemn and sober

2007-10-04T02:37:00.000-05:00

Photo courtesy of Sam.

...Not.

They tell me in photojournalism school that a person's better side is the side on which they part their hair. Not having a part at the moment, you tell me which is better!

Which is scarier - the breakouts or the face?

I swear I can feel my hair grow.

I'm a bit late on yesterday's picture

2007-10-03T12:03:00.000-05:00

Oh joy!

But instead of looking Natalie-esque I'm afraid right now I mostly look like a little military cadet who is still breaking out, because I am.

I have allergies this week, which greatly enhances my appeal.

It's a cold, harsh world

2007-10-01T21:53:00.001-05:00

At least my scalp thinks so. Gee, it's cold in this office! My head shivereth. :( Have YOU ever gotten goose bumps on your head before?

Actually, a more optimistic way to frame my adventure thus far would be to gush about how many new sensations I have experienced. My scalp has never before had the opportunity to actually feel the nubbiness of a bath towel. It was so fantastic that I took an extra shower today. Hey, it only took 20 seconds.

So far I have garnered a lot of surreptitious stares from younger people (my age), a kind yet surprised and enthusiastic greeting from Loan, and interest from people at work. The nicest comment I've gotten so far was from Alberto at work. He's a middle-aged man of few words (to me, at least) who designs the Austin American-Statesman front page most of the days I'm here. Well, he made a point of coming up to me and saying, "I think your haircut looks just GREAT and it is wonderful." Or something like that. :) Another guy said I looked "badass," haha, and patted it appreciatively.

...The weirdest response came from Sam, who asked if he could rub his head against mine. Seriously, Sam? :D (But Sam is pretty cool still... he drove down to campus and we did bald shoots!)

Shot is courtesy of Andrew Chan, who went downtown with me this morning so we could both work on our photo assignments.

Adding more:

Haha, I lied. Not regret. Just sleepy.

My head is like Velcro when I pull clothes on and off!
And it's really cold. :( Poor head.

Yatta!

2007-09-30T23:45:00.000-05:00

Like Hiro.

"Making a dramatic change that isn't reversible is always a worthy experience, and that sort of gave me the courage to do it. It's kind of wonderful to throw vanity away for a bit." -- Natalie Portman

"You don't need hair to be hot." -- um, Maxim magazine ;) on Natalie Portman

I've been nervous all day, and so far it seems the actual consequences are far less than the amount of worry I put into this. I think my worst moment was feeling the clippers hit my neck for the first time. You see, I'm quite ticklish. Nah, the worst moment was probably more when I woke up. We'll see how I feel when I wake up in the morning.

I tried to console myself last night by comparing it to my future. Nobody's going to ask or require me to do hard things from now on. As a matter of fact, people will pressure me to take the easy way out. I will be the only person driving myself. Can I do it? I was kind of hoping this would help... We'll see. I can always count back and think, "I did that... I can do this too."

Is it stupid to care so much about hair? Someone (in trying to convince me to not do it) said that identity is bound up in hair. A lot of someones, really. Why is that, exactly? I guess I'll find out. I think there's enough me left. :P Maybe it's all a question of vanity.

Speaking of which, I had a funny thought last week. I had this dress I wanted to wear before I cut off all my hair, so I did. Then someone said, "Well, why can't you still wear it with no hair?" Good question, indeed... I guess dresses don't fit my idea of someone whose leg hair may be longer than her head hair... but hey, why not?

It's interesting how I don't actually think anything of it until I look at myself in the mirror. Hopefully in a short amount of time I'll be used to it/OK with how it looks and everyone will be done commenting on it. I guess I don't look "pretty" any more, by my own standards anyhow, but that's all right. (Actually, the most atrocious thing on my face right now is the breakouts) It makes me... a lot more aware of my self-perceived "physical flaws" than before. It's weird having to confront the ugliest parts of myself (as I see them) because I can't hide any more. Analogies galore abound, but I think it's time for bed. I have found that bad situations are generally and generically best handled with sleep.

Not that this one is terrible just yet.

My best comment to this picture? I look a lot like one of the "Fan boys" now, aka my brothers. Hahaha. Or maybe like the young Spartan boy in 300.

Symbolism?

2007-09-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm jittery, haha.

9 p.m. :P

An Update

2007-09-28T15:28:00.000-05:00

Welp, Sunday is the big day. I had to push the dates back about 4 weeks because of responsibilities that came up in between, but it's now or never.

Random interesting thoughts to come back to:

Can girls without hair still wear cute little sundresses?
Does hair represent identity? Why? If it's gone, does one lose one's identity too?
I went to a photo presentation the other day where the photographer mentioned how hair is an integral part of black culture - the fixing, the shaving, the styling. That's an interesting thought to pursue.

Anyway... *deep breath* I'm a bit jittery. =]

Step One

2007-08-19T12:46:00.001-05:00

Took off a foot of hair.

I don't see why people don't seal commitments in hair

2007-08-06T01:28:00.000-05:00

Samson did it, albeit it was in reverse.

I'm just making up facetious reasoning for it all now, maybe, but hey.

WARNING: Long post ahead. Skip if you wish. :)

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose...you're everything

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands you won't let me fall
You steal my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything, everything

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Lifehouse | Everything
(Watch this video; it's pretty cool)

This hair/no-hair thing has been on my mind quite a bit these last few days.

So, I attend this rather unique church called Vox Veniae. It's not your typical idea of Sunday morning starched shirts and hymnals, I don't think. (Come check it out if you don't believe me. If you don't like it, I promise you your money back) Last year my church/small group read and discussed Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution over the course of the school year. While I never got around to finishing the book (::embarrassed::), Vox invited him to speak during service one night. Here's a picture Oliver took of him:

The moment he walked in, I kind of braced myself for B.O. My experience with bums on the Drag has taught me that where clothes like this are found, showers are usually not. I was really struck by how he just waltzed into arguably one of the most affluent young churches with immense future potential in some clothing that would make a very in-your-face statement. I forgot his reasoning for his apparel (should I read that book?) - probably something about avoiding sweatshops, being more personable to the street people he's trying to reach, steering away from trends... you know. Me, I would've just "dressed as the Romans dressed." I would very much not have thought the worse of him if he had shown up wearing a ratty T-shirt and jeans. The fact that he chose to make his lifestyle universal in all the walks of life he encounters stood out to me a lot.

This might seem like a slight tangent here, but the other day I was watching the Bourne Ultimatum and kind of got distracted during the brief torture scene flashbacks. Most girls don't like gory films because they don't like the agony of people being abused for their beliefs or jobs or goals. In my arrogance I've always been kinda snotty, thinking how awesome I am for being able to stomach the raw intensity of these scenes and to actually be willing to confront the nitty-gritty aspect of suffering for one's cause. Yeah, that attitude is not a pretty side of my persona I'd like you to see. I've even gone so far as to think, "Why are these people so upset by battle scenes or whatever? It's not like most of them will ever have to endure it. And whether or not they deal with the 'reality,' the fact remains that suffering like this is occurring around the world." Then I'd go on to think about how I might actually have to face torture someday for what I value. I've been pondering this ever since Valerie Plame (and not as seriously, since I was a kid reading Foxe's Book of Martyrs, haha). How far am I willing to suffer for what I believe in?

Last weekend I was a counselor at a youth retreat for the middle/high schoolers of Vox Veniae's sister church, Austin Chinese Church. I wasn't expecting anything special, having been to many religious events in the past. I know how they typically go. Many times people come, expecting to learn something, the speaker hypes them up to an emotional/spiritual point, then at an opportune moment sweeps them all into a frenzy and they all dedicate their life to Christ... ...again and again and again. Tears are shed, hugs are shared, and all go home happy to a flat-soda feeling within a week. Why? Because a lot of the time, they missed the point.

But last week while I was at retreat I got a pretty rude shock. I've told a few people about this, but while sitting though the first two days' worships and sessions, I was fighting this ugly black depression, almost, that would just sit on me like a palpable being. It would throw accusation after accusation at me - "You're a pretty pathetic Christian... you talk about God but you don't read your Bible as much as you should... you're no good at praying... etc. etc. etc." Hey, I can't deny it. It's all true. Then once it got my attention, it would direct me to some other crazy thoughts. I'd see random people sitting with their friends and get eaten up with sudden insane crazy jealousy... "Wow, look at that, you've never had close friendships like that and you never will once you leave here. People always leave you."

But while I was even sobbing at one point from the frustration of not being able to take a mental break, a thought came into my mind... it was like overhearing a whisper. "Hey. God here. I never told you to do this or that for me. I just asked you to give me your life. I didn't ask you to go to China and save the world in my name. I haven't told you you're gonna have to face torture. You silly. Just put me in control."

It was rather humiliating to realize that much as I dislike the concept of torture (too much 24, anyone?), I would prefer it to giving up control of my life. Even to God. Oh crud. Even if I have already been structuring my post-graduation goals around this "going to China and writing about social issues" plan which, ostensibly, was to do God's work. Oh crud. I had a slight Jonah feeling.

I think since last week, I've kind of felt differently about some things. It's like I no longer really mind what I want any more. It's not a "post-retreat high." I've had those (and mind you, they're a fantastic feeling while they last). It's more like how when you down a couple Tylenol and count the seconds until relief, pain doesn't just go on/off like a switch... it sort of fades away so gently that you don't even realize the throbbing headache is gone until you actually stop to think about them. It's... good. After those first two days of mental wrestling, I feel like God helped me clear my mind, get my thoughts off of my own issues and leave me blank/more ready to deal with my girls so I could serve them better. I've been in a constant "check myself" reminder-mode ever since retreat, trying to think about all the little things I've slowly taught myself to believe about me... I am a good person. I want to help others. I want to do this. I want to do that. I'm a good counselor because ---. I give good advice because ---.

You know, I know better than that.

I realized that I've always been ashamed to tell people outright, "I'm a Christian." It's not so much the wording as the possible explanations I'd have to go into. "Yeah, well, I believe... *trails off in ashamed silence* Yeah, no, it's not because my parents made me. No, I... yeah, he really did, um... how do I know? I just, well... okay, so when I was 19, this... yeah, I went..." Wow, I make a sorry excuse for someone who believes that the only reason she has anything to look forward to in the morning is because of this person who she doesn't want to name.

Yes, I was actually bracing myself for future torture Pan's Labyrinth-style for my beliefs, without wanting to say out loud, "I believe that I am a sinner, and that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I believe that because he wiped clean my slate, and that I will go to heaven when I die... not because of what I can do for me, him, or anyone... but because of what he did for me in love." I just... don't want people to think I'm a freak, you know?

Yes, I am that stupid. I still am. Whatever made me think that if I wasn't willing to say it now when all I risk is at best social ostracization, I'd say it when I'm staring a blunt blade straight in the eyes?

COMING back to hair... I apologize for the incoherent bunny trail; I wanted to explain about something that I experienced at retreat

As far as my understanding of Scripture goes, it's not a sin. It can be seen as a symbol of shame, but even that is kind of out of context. What is glory, anyway? What is shame? And maybe a better question, why don't I deserve shame?

I will tell you what is shame. Think of this. I don't think people in their right minds like being hung up naked and bleeding and in pain in front of literally everyone they know. I don't think people like being tortured all night in an effort to make them deny their very essence. I don't think people like dying because of other people's mistakes. I whine when I'm thirsty, but I've never been anywhere near death for it (something my mother used to like to tell me when I would complain on long car trips). I don't think people like sunburns in general, let alone scalding hot desert noon sun on ripped, torn flesh. And while my personal experience with piercings has been limited to vaccinations, ear-piercing and a couple pencils my brother broke in my hand, I can tell you they weren't my favorite times. I would find it safe to assume that nails through my hands and feet would be excruciating agony. I don't like being made fun of, so I tend to hide my most embarrassing moments and physical flaws while possible. On the other hand, this person's blood dripped down his dying feet while people cheered and mocked and abused him.

Throw all those elements together, and you've got this person I don't want to verbally acknowledge. Because I don't want to be called a Jesus Freak.

Oh, did I mention that those fatal mistakes that got him there - they were mine? It kind of puts shame in a whole new perspective, doesn't it? If I'm not ashamed, all the more shame to me.

Once again, I digress; back to hair. Yes, I do know that Corinthians calls a woman's hair her glory. But I think this will be a good reminder to me, first and foremost, that I have no glory of my own. I deserve nothing, and have been given everything. Why shouldn't I wear my shame in public for all to see? And what better imagery and reminder that Christ covered my shame with his love?

Why do we frown on girls with no hair anyway? Is it the connotations? Especially in Austin, I think a girl with no hair must be a punk. That's so not sexy. She must be a lesbian. She must be a rebel. She must be a Bad Girl. (I was brought up to avoid being a Bad Girl, but trust me, I found my ways anyway. Most of them are less-than-cool to recount)

In an ideal world, bad girls would never exist. In this current fallen world, they do exist. Why did I have the good fortune to be on the better side of the deal? Why do I deserve to not be dying of cancer right now? Why, even, do I have a nice full head of long black hair? If I really believe that God gave me all these things by grace, why am I not willing to acknowledge that?

I think we judge people by their appearances far too often. I know I do. A girl who gets pregnant out of wedlock is automatically mentally labeled a slut, even while we haughty church people tote her back and forth from crisis pregnancy centers and drone homilies about the sanctity of life. People, we're missing the point. Why save a potential incoming life if we're gonna throw away the one standing in front of us? Why would a baby be worth saving if its mother is not? Don't get me wrong - you know I go ga-ga for babies. I just really think that in the scheme of things, God would sooner forgive the girl who undergoes an abortion if it leads her to him, than the people who hound her to perform their actions merely to soothe their own hypocritical consciences.

I know I think like that a lot, perhaps on a less extreme scale. I want to break down my personal boundaries and comfort zones, and since I don't plan to try out drugs or wild random sex or even drop out of school to achieve this, I think walking around without hair will be drastic enough a beginning. :D I want to put myself in other people's shoes, and this will be a pretty quick route to seeing something different in the mirror every morning.

You know, if people want to walk past me and think, "That girl must be pretty messed-up" purely because I have no hair, that's okay. I probably don't need their approbation anyway. If they're willing to stop me and say, "Hey dude, what made you do that?" That's already more than most of us do for others every day.

I know this sounds corny, but I'm gonna hope that most people reading this (if they've gotten this far :D) are not as cynical and sarcastic as I often am (because I would totally call this post corny). But even if they do, it's okay by me because I want to be honest. Today during church Gid, our pastor, talked about how as Christians, we should not pursue wisdom and truth as a standard for morality but as the person of Christ, because he redefines what makes right and wrong for us.

Back in the day people who wanted to make vows before God would commit to three things. I'm not going to bore you, but it's here for you to read. So I guess I'm kind of going in reverse on the hair thing, but I guess the decision comes at a good time in my life for me. I really want to live my commitment to God out more fully. I can't think of anything that will be a more vivid reminder for a good many days on end. I'm a visual person, so if I ingrain it into my mind enough, I hope "Am I willing to follow God and God alone?" will come to mind when I see my head stubble. :)

I'm going to think more about it as my deadline approaches... but I think that, having read that short reminder about the point of vows of commitment, it would be pretty dumb of me to say, "I'm going to do this physical action and tie it to a commitment with God," and not be willing to give up something else that I'm actually attached to, such as bad habits or whatever. I'll probably be refining the details of my commitment but I think I'll keep that personal. :)

I find it a humorous side detail that everyone who supports me, pretty much, lives in or is from Austin. I wonder what that says about our "liberality?" :D Hehehe. I love you all.

Mmm... I don't really have a good solid reason beyond "I want to do it." It's a voluntary kinda thing. Yes, it's totally true that I don't need to do this to support cancer patients, but that's not really the point.

I was also thinking that a lot of women lose their hair without a choice because of diseases and such. I hope what I do won't be seen as a mockery of their pain, I guess... I want to learn to be more compassionate, I think. I want to know how they feel. I've whined a lot about feeling like an outcast as a teenager, but apart from being incredibly dorky I didn't actually have any glaring physical deformities that would make people do a double-take when they saw me or anything like that. Yeah, Austin may not be the best city to make that sort of an experiment since it wouldn't be that unusual, haha, but that in and of itself might be a comfort. :P

I've also been thinking about the comments that have been slightly less than positive (which don't bother me, btw; I'm not really expecting anything less). Yeah, I think if I were doing this purely from a "I wonder what it's like" mentality, I would back out right now. It's not worth the experiment time. I want to learn to be more compassionate toward others, and how better than to experience what could be one of life's biggest humiliations for some?

But I do want to know why everyone is so against it. I know I'm not going to look good. :P That's why I'm trying to make sure I have all of my social commitments out of the way. ;) But I guess this is the challenge I want to counter to you... you ask me "Why." Let me ask you, "Why not?"

But maybe people will come up to me and ask, and I hope at least some of this incredibly verbose blog will spill out. The truth is, I have a ton of good reasons to do this. Am I willing to be honest about them?

Countdown: 27 days

P.S. I thought I'd answer a couple questions I've gotten...

Yes, shave = completely gone, no stubble, bald shiny scalp. :D
Yep, I will be very happy if you would be willing to donate money once the hair's gone and I've selected a charity. I'm still leaning toward the ASK Foundation.

Funny family responses

2007-08-05T15:07:00.000-05:00

...in response to my statement about shaving my head.

Benj: Several years ago I'd have been "AAAAAGH NO!!!!"

Now I'm like, "YESSSSSSSSSSSS..........."

Mom: Do you really mean to SHAVE your head? Why would anybody contributing to cancer foundation have to SHAVE her head? I don't mind your cutting your hair short for that noble purpose. But I am strongly opposed to shaving it.

Mom

Tim:

Email 1: How about not shaving it at all! 'Cause I thought a girl without hair would look weird? And I wouldn't like a sister who's bald :(, so think of my sugestion okay? plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
p.s. (Dad said that the hair is the glory of a sexy WOMAN!!!)
and I typed it all by myself! Timmmmy

Email 2: don't shave OKAY :(((( (quadruple-chinned)

Email 3: plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
if your friend laugh at you, tell me and I'll beat those dirty worms down!

Email 4: plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
if your friend laugh at you for not keeping your words, tell me and they will get rich from tooth fairy

Email 5: don't shave, don't shave, don't shave, don't shave, don't shave, don't shave, shave, oops wrong word!

Email 6: you wasn't listen to me WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Email 7: these bald guys are weird, huh don't you think

Email 8: you weren't listening to me WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Email 9: bye (better not shave)

Bald is Beautiful

2007-08-05T02:00:00.000-05:00

Hmm, so I should begin this by telling you a bit about myself. I'm a 22-year-old journalism and Asian-American studies senior at the University of Texas at Austin. I'm a girl. This might be apparent right now, but once my hair's all gone maybe you can only tell from my verbose and emotional posts. Hah. I've decided that D-Day commences on Sunday, September 2, 2007. Why this date? Well, I'm shooting a wedding the day before, and out of courtesy to my clients I figure it would be inappropriate to show up with a distractingly shiny scalp... also, I'm not quite so sure how well my naked pate would do in unrelenting Austin sun. :)

Why'm I doing this? I kinda explained more lucidly (albeit in less detail) here on my regular blog... Well, it's mostly just one of those things I've always said I'd do but never figured I'd actually do. I just want to see what it's like. But also, I've always had a sense of curiosity regarding what it's actually like for a girl to lose her hair. Guys, meh, I know some are sensitive about it (look at alllll those hair-loss treatments out there), but let's face it - an easy solution is to shave it all off. But pretty much any girl finds at least some of her physical identity in her hair. I have had several family members on both sides of my family develop cancer, and have lost a lot of them to it as well. I wish I had done this sooner in support of my aunt when she lost hers to chemo. That would've been nice. However, I can do it now and dedicate it to her memory. I have too much vanity (without good cause, might I add), anyway, and it'll be interesting to see how this experiment affects my self-image. That's what this blog is for.

It's gonna be interesting. I haven't been bald since... I dunno, I don't think I've ever been since I was born. From my baby pictures, I look pretty hairy. Just be glad I'm not shaving my eyebrows off too. :D (I sympathize with alopecia sufferers also, but maybe I'm not quite ready for that step yet...)

I'd like this to count for more than just an experiment on my part, because the whole point of this is to take me out of my comfort zone and experience something potentially devastating and fairly life-changing for many people. Cancer hits without warning, and people every whit as "good" as I am develop it every day. Why should I be any different? So I'd like to set up an account on Paypal for donations to the ASK foundation, an organization that supports the families of children with cancer. Hey, you get the fun of watching and reading about my hairless saga, and they get to benefit from it... we all win. :) I also want to get more involved and make myself more familiar with the struggles cancer patients and their families face, so if I come across interesting stories and such, I'd like to post those too.

Feel free to give me any advice, opinions, comments, etc. I welcome them all. And no, I don't think I'm gonna change my mind, so please don't try to dissuade me. :) I don't really think there are any potential health concerns, and the only person it really affects will be me... I think it will be good for me to have a daily reminder to think of others. Oh, and think of all the time and shampoo I will save.

Oh someone brought up a good point... shaving it right now will seem to channel Britney, not Natalie... Haha, yes, but it's okay. :) If you love me now, I'm sure you'll still love me later... right? Right?

= no

= maybe?

I plan to try to post at least three times a week (as close to daily as I can) and throw up a webcam pic for hair progress. The goal is to have hair again by graduation in May, haha... My hair grows semi-decently fast, so *shrug* it doesn't seem unreasonable to hope for. :)

P.S. Anyone in favor of a tattoo on my scalp? Hmm...

Here's a picture of me... with hair.

Photo courtesy of Sam Ni
I guess here you can kinda see how long it is, but still not really. It's right about mid-back length for me.

OK, being a photographer means that there are usually very few pictures of me, so here's one of the few recent ones I could find on Facebook that kinda show my hair not up in a ponytail. Sorry, Texas is too hot for me to wear it down. I'm a wuss. :(

Photo courtesy of Paul Wang